you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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