So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize