I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
