Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
