I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize