I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
MIDGETS
????
Randomize
