Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
