I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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