I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
