Your mouth is God's brothel.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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