Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
