He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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