Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
