do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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