I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
