so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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