she woke up with a sticky ear
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
