i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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