not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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