God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
