Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
