I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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