The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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