After last night, I could never be a politician.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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