Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
