I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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