you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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