Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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