I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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