So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
