and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
