You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
