This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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