He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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