My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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