i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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