While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize