so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I deserve this hangover.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
