If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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