Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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