I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
