Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
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