If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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