come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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