Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
