you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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