I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
