ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
