Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
