She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
