why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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