If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
