Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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