You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
