Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
