So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
