thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
