whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Randomize
